ramblings of great importance

As good as dead

2010-09-27T05:42:00.000-07:00

Life I have found.. is not a matter or breathing in and out.
Its more. People search and search in the hope of finding the more.
But what makes life worth living? What is the whole point of life?
Why are we here? Seems to me.. we are forever in a battle of sorts.
We are born... and we fight for our place in society. We fight to be "somebody".
We fight to achieve things.. to obtain things. We forever fight to maintain them.
Do the people in our lives give it meaning? Do they make it worth living.
So what happens when they are gone.. and life has to go on.
Do the positions we attain, the qualifications,... give our lives meaning?
What happens when the position can't solve your problem? the qualifications don't get you where you want to go?
Do our possessions give our lives meaning? Do they make it worth living? Does the quest for them make the battle worthwhile?
Many are alive.. they breathe in and breathe out. The faculties fully functional.
Yet fewer LIVE!!
so I say... if I don't know what makes my life worth living? What the point of my being is.. then I am as good as dead.

Will you hold my hand?

2010-08-25T04:30:00.000-07:00

It crept on me.. without warning.. and gripped me. Silencing me. Immobilising me.
Rendered weak as I am... I stand. Ideas, opportunities stare me in the face.
So much to do, Such heights to soar. Countless hellos.. Whispers of goodbye. ah.. Open doors, chances. Seemingly pursuing me..
Dancing, they dare me. Come closer, grab me, take a chance....they tease me.They call my name. Its a whisper.. Its a shout...A resounding voice. How enticing it all seems.
Now I am on my knees. For that which once gripped me.. I now hold on to. Its weight overwhelming me.. I am overpowered. As I buckle beneath, My arms fail to reach out. To touch the sky. To grab it all.
Yet my eyes are open. Oh how I do see. I count it all..Yes I count. And I keep counting. It all passes me by. I rationalise, I justify. Yes.... Excuse after excuse I utter.Yet I keep holding on to my enemy.

Choosing the bud over the bloom, to walk rather than to fly..Yet its the season to flower.With my unclipped wings, I hold on to fear.. I keep grasping it.
I hear those voices. Arise... let go.. move... come...they say.
I am here, take the step, let me hold your hand I hear.
Should I.. yes.. Can I...???
This monster.. Its taken over me. And I hold on. Hold on to my enemy.

When the pain of holding on becomes greater than the risk of letting go..
Will I arise, let go, move?
Will I take the step?
Will you hold my hand?

The Language of pursuit

2010-08-17T03:20:00.000-07:00

I have created this image in my head....a picture, the language of pursuit. I see him come, his presence so strong. Yes... my heart flutters, my spirit soars. He whispers in my ear, the sound of music. In his eyes, in the depths of them.. I see deep desire....only for me. In my minds eyes I see him... I see him move heaven and earth to win me over....give his right arm to see me smile, climb over high walls to steal a second with me.Woo me with his wit, charm and ever so sweet eloquence.

That's how I imagine he should be.

Then I see him.. yet him not... For when he comes, he speaks not the language I long to hear. He takes not the form of my fantasies. He has his own language. So foreign to me.

Am I hearing him? Why does he not speak a language that I understand? What is he saying? This language I cannot decipher!

My eyes open, yet I am blinded. My ears, seemingly hard of hearing.

I hear not.. I see not truly...the done and undone deeds,.. the said and unsaid words.

Yet if I knew his language...If he knew my language......This language of pursuit..
How would it be?

If his language be foreign, and differ from mine... should I learn to hear his, or should he learn to speak mine? This language of pursuit.....

Self- Destruct

2010-05-24T09:45:00.000-07:00

Judging from my own behavior, I have become convinced that humans have a self destruct button or mentality somewhere. And that success comes from winning the battle of this seemingly inherent will to self destruct.
How else does one explain the overwhelming urge to do all things that are utterly self-defeating, when faced with the choice of going about things the "normal..read.. "boring way". How does one demystify that often times I expend my energy towards everything else but the one thing that I am meant to be doing?
How does one explain the overwhelming fear of my own success and capabilities? To what do I subscribe my bad choices?
I've walked along my life's journey long enough to know what I should be doing to get what I want most of the time. Preparing for those kairos moments, recognizing and grabbing them when they come my way. I know how hard work and discipline will take me places. Gosh.... I know to have dreams, have a living and acting faith, to keep hope alive... even not to sweat the small stuff.
But why is it that despite all this.. there are those moments... yeah.. those moments.. when doing the right thing is the last thing on my mind.. or I choose not to choose and just default..
Me is convinced its this self destruct mentality that I either created, inherited or whatever else. Its right there somewhere. Fighting my sometimes already weak will and resolve.
I realize that when I do not choose consciousness, I choose to slide into self destruct mode.And the only way out is to BE DELIBERATE
Be deliberate about my thoughts,decisions, choices, actions, responses.
I am forever grateful that everyday.. is another chance!!!
Be Deliberate!!

Destiny was on the mountain-top - Conquering Table Mountain

2010-03-15T04:28:00.000-07:00

It was much like our walk along life's journey. We have big dreams. We long to rise to the top; To reach our destiny.Daunting as it may be, many will make the journey up the mountain and go through it all. And when they reach the top, their realize just how far they've come. What a testament it is to human strength. Our capacity to achieve, even what seemed impossible to begin with.

I resolved that I would take it a step at a time. Occasionally gazing upwards, slowly and not for long, lest the task seem more daunting and I convince myself that I could not do it.
My backpack, reminded me of the burdens we carry, the responsibilities we bear in our walk. Sometimes a friend will help you carry it, but if you are to ensure that you have food and water, up the mountain-top, make sure you have your back pack. Don't carry too much though, it slows your progress. This is much like life. Free yourself of unnecessary baggage, burdens that stop you from reaching your destination.

Along the way, there were those who were on the climb down. "Twenty more minutes", most would all say. "You still have a long way to go", others would utter. Solicited and unsolicited, opinions would be heard. Some seeking to encourage, some downright lying. Not all you meet along the path to your destiny will be helpful. Be careful whose counsel you take.

At times, the terrain was smooth, and flat, and easy. I could not help but almost run in these sections. Knowing they would come, gave me something to look forward to. There will be good times, easier times, enjoy them.

Some rocks were larger than others, harder to climb. I needed to hold on to something, sometimes someone. Don't be afraid to seek help, or accept a helping hand in your journey.

Looking behind me, there were others climbing, ahead of me many, at times I was last..but we all made it up the mountain. Our journey in life though we walk together, is individual. There will be those faster, or slower, but if you persevere, you will get there.

Sometimes I felt like it was all too much, and I needed to rest. There were always rocks where I could sit, rest, have a drink of water. Who and what are you rocks? Your resting places? Where do you find refreshing?

The sun shone brightly at the bottom, yet somewhere in between, it became cloudier, wetter, and colder. It made the path slippery. That how our life's journey is. Do you let the weather change stop you from conquering your mountain.

Once I slipped, slid backwards. There will be those moments, when u move backwards. Get up!!! Move forward. Crawl if you must. You are on a mission.

You cannot successfully get to the mountain-top if you're not in the right gear. Some forgot their warm jackets, other realised they needed water proof ones. How well equipped are you for life's journey...the journey to your destiny?

Every-time I turned my head to the left, right, and back, the view was spectacular, the company amazing. Sometimes we would break into song. Celebrate the milestones. Take time to savour the journey. Its as beautiful as reaching the top.

We took amazing pictures. They are a lasting legacy of that journey, that achievement. Inspiring present and future generations. Leave a legacy.

Its your walk, but walk with others. When you get the the mountaintop, celebrate your success and the success of those around you. I cannot confidently say I'd have made it to the top, without the others. But even if I had, it would have been lonely with no one to celebrate with.

This mountain-top journey reminded me that I can make it. So my muscles may sore, but I have learnt this; The journey of life isn't all easy, sometimes its really sore,so sore that when you reach the mountain-top you may still feel the pain. But if you choose to forget the pain, look at how far you've come, and behold the beauty around you ; It is worth it. Because even the pain fades, is forgotten, but the memory remains,the victory lasts and the lesson stands. Because it changes your life.

Be deliberate. Conquer the mountain.

The case of the fig tree

2010-03-10T03:22:00.000-08:00

Have you ever come across something that showed promise? That seemed like an answer to prayer. Something that seemed like your breakthrough. And as you took those steps towards it, You realised that it was a farce. It is not what it seemed to be from afar. I heard a preacher share this message the other day.
Its the story of Jesus and the fig tree found in Matthew 21, and Mark 11 where Jesus had made a triumphant entry into Jerusalem, and been to the temple. Seeing how late it was, He returned to Bethany for the night. On the next day however, according to Mark 11 from verse 11 - 22.....

1. Jesus was going about His father's business and He had a need- vs 12 "The next day as they were leaving Bethany, Jesus was hungry"
2. He saw an opportunity and went up to it and He found no fruit - vs 13 "Seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to find out if it had any fruit. When he reached it, he found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs.
3. He cursed it - vs 14 " Then he said to the tree, "May no one ever eat fruit from you again." And his disciples heard him say it"
4. It withered up - vs 20 "In the morning, as they went along, they saw the fig tree withered from the roots. vs 21 Peter remembered and said to Jesus, "Rabbi, look! The fig tree you cursed has withered!"

This meant that no-one else could ever see it and believe/ hope that it had any fruit.

My Challenge for you and I: Curse the in- season yet fruitless Fig tree
Why? So that None of those that come after me (my brothers and sisters, my children, their children) will ever in their hunger, face that same "fig tree" again and find no fruit.
Be deliberate......

My Big Coloured Sunglasses

2010-01-18T06:38:00.000-08:00

My Big coloured sun-glasses
Wear them I must, everyday, practically everywhere.
By Day and By night, with consistency
They have become my shield, From the strangers' eye
Beneath them I can turn a blind eye to many an injustice
Yes, Its like I do not see.
For after all, I do have my big, coloured sun-glasses on.
They hide the hatred felt, the racism, the anger.
Yes beneath these, we pass each other seemingly unseeingly.
The windows to my soul they make obscure
So I cannot share. I do not share.
Beneath these the hungry child's pleading eyes cannot meet my gaze
Indeed they separate me from a world I refuse to acknowledge.
The wind that carries my neighbors burdens, bounces against my shield
And I walk away
Much goes on. Unseen. Ignored. Brushed aside
For behind the shield of my big coloured sun-glasses
None can point a finger. None can say I saw. None can say I knew.
I live in my world and you're not a part of it.
No. I need not turn to the other side.
I just keep facing forward. Moving On
I do not see you. Acknowledge You.
I have my big coloured sun-glasses on.

Sans List

2010-01-17T05:54:00.000-08:00

So this new year I am not writing a new list. The list of New Year’s Resolutions. For my previous lists were not events but processes. That I dared to attach a time-frame to them is now amusing to my seemingly learned self. For if I thought only of losing 10kg in 2009, I’d quickly gain it back if it was all about 2009. No my resolutions are not for the year, they go beyond that boundary. So instead I think of how after I’ve lost the weight, how I’m going to keep it off. For surely it can’t be that my quest for spiritual growth has ended with the end of the year. And the new job I got in the last year would be gone if I didn’t resolve to keep it.

I resist the urge to make a to-do list and lean towards a to-be list. For surely who I am becoming is more important that what I am doing. And to be may not be contained within the year. No. I refuse to honor the boundaries at the expense of disrupting the flow of growth, and progress of my “becoming”.The year had many defining moments. Like waking up to the realization that the creative fire in my belly could no longer be ignored. In those early days I longed to sing a song so loud, and beautiful all would hear it. To pen words to superfluous, they begged to be read. But instead, I had to learn to listen. To listen to my heart speak to me, to words unspoken by others, and to the heartbeat of my surroundings.

In my moments of reflection and refining I found that it was not so much what was left unsaid that bothered me. What bothered me more were the unasked questions. Questions that I had, that begged for answers yet I dared not ask them. With an unanswered question, I could be free, for I dared to ask and got my reply, even if it was an “unanswer”. But to carry the burden of unasked questions is tedious. Unanswered question never go away.

I hope that in all this year I have stayed authentically me. The authentic me that is dynamic. For not only have many forces shaped me, I have responded in many ways. Sometimes I have been watered and blossomed. At times it was as if I was being ravaged by an all-consuming fire. Burn or be refined were my only choices. That I have made it out this year, is a miracle. For how often we forget how miraculous each day is.

I hope in all this I have retained my consciousness of the right and wrong, the good and bad, relevant and irrelevant, the appropriate and inappropriate. Yes we have guiding principles governing the way in which we operate, respond, act, yet I have learnt to treat each situation as it comes by, all things considered. What may seem simple in theory may have multiple levels of complexity when actually experienced.
So as the New Year begins, I treasure the processes that have brought me thus far. I have to admit that many of them can only be best appreciated in hindsight. Most of all I treasure and honor who I am becoming. This gradual process of life which I am often tempted to treat as an event.

I look at the world with eyes that have wept more tears, which carry more laughter lines, old eyes with newer perspective. I take a moment to breathe in deeply and celebrate the journey as it has been so far. I make a mental note to appreciate it more often than just at the beginning of the year. I decide to embrace and own my life once more. This New Year signals a new opportunity, to love again, to trust again, to hope again. I remind myself that each new day is a new opportunity.
So I brace myself, my arms free from any new list, ready to continue on this path of discovery that life is. Reveling in the fact that even as we each walk our path, our destinies lie interlinked and our paths coexist and intermingle. I smile on the recognition that I am free to set my own pace, and with this freedom comes responsibility.

For this past year I have learnt to own my feelings, attitudes and actions. Some have been unpleasant. I have found myself disgusted by society’s continual blame shifting my own included. How we continuously ignore even blatant injustices. How we no longer hold each other accountable and responsible. I vow to begin the change process with myself.

But the biggest decision I’ve made is of being true to myself. Of living in consciousness. Refusing to be lied to even by my own mind’s eye. Rather knowing me, knowing others and letting others know me. Being true to my womanhood, by not suppressing the instincts that may be considered distinctly feminine even in a testosterone-filled environment. Embracing the roles I have to play knowing full well they are not all that I am and becoming. This process I decide to continue in my life’s journey. Armed with my wit, grace and a smile…and Sans List

Carry Over

2010-01-06T05:42:00.000-08:00

What happens when a new year begins?
Do we disregard the previous years dreams, desires, hopes. plans. So the year 2009 drew to a close and as I reflected, I know I've learnt much and I've grown some. Yes... I am becoming.
Yet this still lingers
What happens when the year ends and you're not where you desire to be.. where you ought to be by your own standards. Do you just accept it as your destiny? Is it God's timing?
How do you begin anew when certain things were not completed. In closing the 2009 door, what do you carry-over into the new year? What do you leave behind?

Faith

2009-11-08T12:08:00.000-08:00

Faith hurts, It exposes you, makes you vulnerable
It stands and says... I trust and I hope and I will... for the best
Sometimes I am full yet at times I am running low

The substance of things hoped for, evidence of things unseen
It anticipates, that surely surely surely, it will come to pass
That the door will open, the mountain will move
Faith speaks, faith hears,
It sees Beyond present circumstances
It comprehends
Faith is the reason it is, the reason it will be
Yet at times, I am running low

Its as if I'm standing in a room
A room full of people, young and old, male and female
And I am naked, in the centre I stand
They stand with me my fellows,
There is strength and resolve in our numbers, even in our nakedness

All around me, others are rescued
I look up, and they all pass me by
My eyes flicker with hope with each approaching person
I see pity in their eyes, for none bears a banner with my name

Their sympathy drives them to urge me to hold on as they pass me by;
For surely my rescue is near
Yet their cliched words are meaningless to me
For I am still standing right here, Naked and in full view

Panic stricken, my eyes dart back and forth the room
Up and down, I appraise the room
Hoping, wishing, yet fearful
For in this moment.. It seems like anything would do, anything would suffice
Rather than standing here
Naked and In full view of all. All in full view of me

Soon I am all but left alone in the centre of the room
Now I no longer stand, I am weary. Weary from waiting, waiting anxiously
The cold floor offers no solace to my body, no balm to my aching soul
I feel my strength and resolve seeping out of my spirit

As I lie on the hard floor, a little part of me dares to hope, to hold on, not quit
I am fearful to admit this, even to myself, For how can this be?
Is it Faith that's kept me in the room?
Is it Faith that's kept my eyes looking out?
Faith that's lived as a flicker within me
Faith that's refused to die
Faith so small, I almost didn't realise I had

How I desire that I had the faith to keep me standing boldly
The faith to resolutely search for my own name on the passing banners
The faith that eliminates desperation from my eyes as I stand
Vulnerable yes, yet patient even in my nakedness

But I know now, faiths end would be the death of me
Faith is in the assurance
The knowledge, not only that they'll come; Those that are sent for me
Bearing a banner with my name on it
But more so who'll come
For He who comes is surely faithful, and unchanging

I cant help but wonder though
What took them so long
Yes. I still have a lot to learn
An unquestioning faith to gain

Who am I?

2009-11-03T09:35:00.001-08:00

I have come to know this;

The road to full disclosure and discovery of who I am, is my life.
Hope refuses to reach a point of contentment; of saying I know who I am fully and there's nothing more, nothing new, no change. That will be the death of me.
Hope longs to know enough of who I am to carry me through each time, moment, season.
For who I am is constant, yet continually changing. For as I am a sculptor of things and processes in my life........people, events, processes, attitudes, perceptions, will mould me, shape me, dent me.. into who I am.
So I embrace life. As a journey. Of perpetual learning. At times rather slow, yet in other moments fast-paced.
Who I am is not only what I do, that's a small facet. Its not only what I say, how I say.... what I see, and how I see.
Its in the how, the when, the why, with whom......Who I am is in the "and then..."
What I knew of me yesterday may not hold true today, let alone tomorrow.
More so what you knew, what you know, what you will know
whom you knew, whom you know, whom you will know.
For some will know in part, some will for a moment assume full knowledge.
Are there ever moments, times, seasons of absolute certainty.. I ask?
For life will confront me, each day faces me with its endless possibilities, calling me forth to be who I am;.... in spite of,.....because of,....... so that..... through it all

I am soul, mind, body, spirit all in one
I am what I think, what I say, what I hear, what I feel
In some moments, I am what you say, not always what you see, whom you see
So who am I?
I am who I am, I am what I am, I am who I am becoming
Past, present and and future, in an intricate dance
Life's dance so fragile yet filled with strength and vigour.
I am me

The neccesity of this "pitstop"

2009-10-27T09:29:00.000-07:00

stubborn! stubborn! stubborn! I hear
As resolute I stand
Lets toss her, upside-down shake her
The wind howls in my ears
The cold chills my bones, reaching the marrow
But my spirit faints not
Stronger it goes, more determined I am
For to faint now, what a loss
Oh how far we've come
The climb so steep and the path so narrow
Moving forward, the only option
But at this "pitstop" my partner's camped
And I see the chaos around me
The storm brewing and
My partner's silence baffles me
The voices urge me back to the depths
Calling my name, beckoning
And they reach my ears, I hear
Stubborn, stubborn, stubborn!!! Lets toss her
And my partner keeps silent, watches
I try to move forward
this journey is not for one- I need my partner
Evidently not ready to move along
Questioning the necessity of this "pitstop"
I make this decision
I will not be moved, I will not be shaken
There's no going back, I silence the voices beckoning
And call to order the chaos
My partner I face, bruised by His silence, thankful for His presence
And resolutely I stand, to say that as long as you are here, so am I
Yet I cannot help..but question the necessity of this "pitsop"

I cry buckets.... and He is silent

2009-10-27T09:03:00.000-07:00

I cry buckets, enough buckets to fill a river
the tears gush out of me, as if the banks of my broken spirit have burst
the cannot; will not be contained
will my tears quench the thirst of the land upon which I stand
intent it seems to devour me
so I cry buckets

Will my tears turn the parched land into a lush field
Questions questions questions
who can save me, what can my rescue be
for I am aware that I do not stand alone
in the midst of this desert, the wind howling, sun-scorching
He is here

Yet I cry buckets, of tears that will disappear
the desert heat ravages me, its fire consumes me
Yet He sits in silence
I am distraught, for my conscience is aware of His ability
His previous feats are clearly imprinted in my memory
Yet I cry buckets.. enough buckets to fill a river
A river that cannot withstand this desert
A rivers that cannot conquer my circumstances

Do these buckets mean nothing to Him
He sees, I know. He hears I am aware
Now I stand, here I am all spent, tears i shed no more
For many buckets I have filled, and filled up a river
Questions questions questions
He's watched me fill these buckets
I wonder when He'll say... enough

Free to be yours

2009-10-23T14:51:00.000-07:00

Set me free
Free me with your love
That I may soar....so I may be

Set me free
Free to love
That I may glide...till the truth I find

Set me free
Free for love
That I may live....live and learn

Imprison me not in your heart
But set me free
For in my freedom
In my soaring, in my gliding, I find myself
And My path leads back to you
Then you will know
that as surely as I am free
Free to be me, I am free....free to be yours

The days of old

2009-10-23T14:21:00.000-07:00

How I long for those days.......the days of old
when the truth was spoken and hearts were open
when souls connected, and love was abound
when simplicity ruled, and random acts of kindness were the order of the day
when faith ruled over fear, and peace prevailed over doubt, strife and cynicism
when laughter came easily, more readily and many smiles lit up the world
when i danced in the moonlight, and delighted in the summers rain
when tears of grief were shared, and rest and respite found on my neighbours shoulder
Today, i cry no more yet no laughter rings in my ears
my hearts gone cold, to stone its turned
The fountain of my youth is ebbed, the energy sapped out of me
That which dares me to be strong, has hardened me
Yes, it chokes the feeling out of my soul, my heart
and though my eyes are open, i do not see, My ears are open, yet I can barely hear
From my mouth, no words.
For I am numbed, by this great force
Of expectations, Of experiences,
Of dreams unfulfilled, Of hope lost, Of love unreturned, words unsaid
How I long for those days, the days of old

Song in my heart

2009-09-16T05:57:00.000-07:00

There's a song in my heart
And I long to sing it
I open my mouth, and silence streams out
Its as if the world around has stolen my voice, stolen my words
I stand dejected
For this song I long to sing
I've longed to sing for a while

I hear the song in my heart
The ears of my soul are filled with its sound
Such sweet melody, ecstacy
Carrying the essence of my being
My spirit, my soul
I long to sing

Yet fear gripps me
And causes this silence
A silence louder than my song
Yet still, there's a song in my heart
And I long to sing it

I am despondent
Frustrated, aaaahhhhhhh
these words these words
the words of my song
they haunt me in the night
in the day they consume me
its as if the shadows overtake me
oh but i long to sing
the song in my heart

will you hear, do you hear it
for my fear is for my words
the words in my spirit
that will go unheard
yet, i still long to sing
the song in my heart
for you to hear, yes
but more for me
for the song in my heart
is my song

yes, it speaks of me; yet it speaks to me
so i sing
the song in my heart, song of my soul
and the melody soars, high above
transcending my fears, freeing me
for this song in my heart
is a song to sing

The arrows that are shot in our paths

2009-09-01T05:20:00.000-07:00

For the longest time I ignored God and made my bible a nice accessory for my bookshelf. And I let God go for ages without hearing my voice. And I wasn't bothered with listening to him either. So I went on from day to day, along the negative progression path. But one day my spirit, my soul couldn't take it anymore. So in a battle of will, emotion, ego and much else, I found my way back to God. And I found a place where I could just be. Coming as I was, I found was easier than I thought. For God's work in me meant to change me, transform me. And it was not my job alone. I had supernatural help. So slowly, I began to feel strengthened. My confidence and trust in him grew with each day. As I spent time in his presence, I yearned for more of him. And he drew me closer, pushed me and pulled me to greater heights. I learnt to cast all my cares on him. I took my burdens and placed them in his hands.

In all this, the world around me still revolved around the sun. The days came and went. People lived. Bills still needed to be paid, work to to be done, plans made, actions taken. And because I have been made a relational being, I encountered other beings everyday. The encounters were of different kinds, at different levels. Each time, I found myself having to deal circumstances, perceptions, attitudes, thoughts, words spoken, voices in my head and i had to make choices. I found that even though God was doing something in me and I knew it, God still didn't make choices for me. I found that in his orchestration of everything, God gave me room to be, to live, to choose. And in this he gave me responsibility. I found that God didn't always remove unpleasant circumstances from my path. But he made a way. Always. Faithfully. God gave me choices, options, conditions and consequences. Something this independent me appreciates. And as I have spent more time getting to know him, I've found that he equips me. He's on my side.. and everyday when I seek him, he armours me, so i can fight the fiery darts of the enemy.... he changes my standpoint, so i can deflect the arrows that are shot in my path.....he strengthens me, gives me courage, charges me up so i walk and run, advancing in battle.. and when the arrows are being shot in my path I know my destiny is victory......Sweet Victory. So I fight this fight of faith,of hope and of love and I choose Him and his way, and therein choose life. And that arrows that are shot in my path...... are rendered powerless

Restlessness

2009-08-20T03:10:00.000-07:00

Restlessness that keeps my eyes from closing in the night..
That drives me to distraction
Restlessness that causes fear to rise within me
Yet I vow not to let the fear of the great future ahead paralyse me
I decide to live with the greatness within
I allow the greatness within to live
For surely there is more to life than this
This ordinary mundane sort of existence
Surely I am called to more than this
I fear that I may lose the essence of it in my quest to find it
Yet am painfully aware that to not seek it out would be another tragedy
So I brace myself for what is to come
In every moment of today I envision that I am preparing for tomorrow
Yet I remain conscious of the moment that is now
And celebrate it as I live it
But I let the hope of tomorrow live
And anticipate more
For within me is greatness
Presently manifest in my restlessness
But surely I find rest
In the knowledge that I do not stand alone
No, I do not walk alone
For such a journey many men have taken
Careful not to trample those along the path
Deliberate about taking others along with
For in my greatness, lies yours
So in my every moment of becoming
You become too
As in your every moment of becoming
I too become
So begone fear, anxiety and uncertainty
For I choose to step over your shadows
To step into a greatness
That lies beyond my present restlessness

My dream... your dream

2009-08-18T02:31:00.000-07:00

Let not your dreams perish
Rather let them flourish
For in the flowering of the dream, Your dream
The seed of your success may fall on my fertile ground
Put your ear on the ground
Hear the sound of those seeds.....germinating.....
The seeds of your success, the seeds of your dream
So let me dream
Let not my dream perish
For in my flourish
Your dreams may be awakened too

Oh, let not my dream die
Awaken the dream in me
Yes you see it, you see my dream
You feel its pulse, the faint throb of my dying dream
Let out a scream
For my dream should not perish
For within its flourish
Is the success of a nation
Yes, within my dream, Indeed within your dream
Many dreams lie, Many dreams live
So let not my dream die
Long live our people's dreams

Spring cleaning Time

2009-08-18T02:07:00.000-07:00

Today I couldn't leave my bed. It wasn't the comfort that made me stay in. It was the burdens that kept me transfixed in that place that is my bed. It was all my fears, experiences and expectations. And the dread filled me....For I had lost all hope.. and reason for living. Lost it somewhere in this great jungle that my life had become. Everything seemed meaningless. Too much clutter in my mind. Much too much clutter in my space. I had to find what my priorities are, reevaluate my principles, check my character. Dig, search and locate them among the many random thoughts, ill-thought out ideas, flashes of inspiration, realities of rejection and failure, memories of victory and success, decisions made consciously and by default. In this jungle of the good, the bad and the ugly.. I sought to find the right, the beautiful, the life-giving. And I knew that all the rest had to go. Yes, a process of refining had to begin, and be completed in as much as it was continual. Much like salvation. So I woke up this morning with a renewed purpose.. to cast of that which is evil, and allow the good flourish. To pull out the weeds that threatened to choke my dreams away, to breathe life, faith and hope once more. Today I awoke with a renewed vigour, for the work that awaits me is plentiful. The pruning, and clearing. Gathering and destroying. Planting , watering and cultivating. The garden of my soul awaits. It is indeed spring cleaning time

In that moment of consciousness

2009-08-11T02:59:00.000-07:00

I have found that I am not always right. In my moments of consciousness I have learnt to detect hurt in someones eyes, or see the hidden sorrow in one's heart. In my moments of consciousness I have learnt to say I'm sorry...Please... and Thank you. In my moments of consciousness I have known the joys of giving and receiving. In those moments of consciousness I have known kindheartedness, have known charity ad compassion. In my moments of consciousness I have begun to count my blessings...But most of all... In my moments of consciousness I have learnt to be alive and powered by the word. The word of God that is living and active, the word that sharper than a double-edged sword. ... the word that judges the attitudes and intentions of my heart..... and I have known the emptiness of being without "the word". When I have taken a form of godliness, but denied it power...I have seen the futility of my efforts. For what is my life without that foundation of the word.. what's the purpose if my existence in the absence of the supreme. what is freedom with no direction, no destination, no history? what is life without hope? In my moments of consciousness I have found that it is Christ in me, that is the hope of glory.. I have found that its not the word that needs me to live.. I need to word to live in me.. for it is living and active... already.. but as for me, I am dead on the inside without it. Without it, my laughter's are punctuated with sighs, and the furrowing of my brows.. for there's is that knowledge in me that this moment of laughter is unlikely to last. And when it departs, that empty space will be filled with emptiness. Without it, all my greatest selfless actions, my momentous achievements, my incredible attitudes.... are meaningless, temporary and overall insignificant. Yes I have tried to live without the word, and I almost died. Until by grace, not by coincidence or mere chance, somebody let the word drop onto my dying spirit. and my spirit soaked it up like the parched ground... but that drop touched base with the innermost river in me that was drying up.. and something was ignited. And in that moment of consciousness... in my moment of consciousness I found, that the word was the breath to my soul. its what gave meaning to my life, that which resurrected my dying spirit, the one thing that could build me up, on which I could stand, by which I could live.. for the word didn't need me to live, but i need the word alive in me.....and this I found... in that moment of consciousness

Of memories made

2009-08-05T05:52:00.000-07:00

What do we do with the memories we made? Made in times past, recent or not so recent past. with those records of moments past.. times gone by? people long gone? places long left behind? attitudes long ago discarded? behaviours now replaced? characters now reformed? What do we do when these are triggered.
There are some memories to treasure, they bring pleasure. but what of that pressure.. of suppressing the not-so great memories... or not having to acknowledge their existence. For how do u tell today's love of yesterday's love.. the love lost.. without losing today's love..... losing them to the threats of ghosts of days gone by..the music of dances past, the echo of yesterday's laughter...How do you explain the shadows in your eyes, from the memory of pains past inflicted? How do you justify the giggles of private jokes in the memory? How oh how do you live through the adrenal rush of familiar encounters? Yes, times are past.. door have closed.. but memories last.
So I choose consciousness.. even in making memories. for accountability, responsibility is not only in action, indeed it is even in memories. choosing what I do... choosing what i say..choosing where I go... for it is these, that I will remember.. memories are made today...for tomorrow. Make them worth remembering....So...... I'll live like there's tomorrow, yet I take each day like its the last. imagining that if tomorrow wont come, this is the way I want my days remembered by those left behind, and yet imagining that when tomorrow comes, this is surely how I want to remember my yesterdays

Lest my heart stops beating....

2009-08-04T02:30:00.000-07:00

How many times have you seen an injustice and simply turned, looked the other way? How many times have you stood up and fought for what you believed in? How many times have you come together with other like-minded people, for a cause... a good cause. Most times we have a free-rider personality... riding on other people's victories. Pretending to be apathetic while savouring the benefits of battles we chose not to fight.
So one may not and cannot fight every battle, stand up for every cause, for one must choose their battles carefully. But what is life along the apathy lane?? It isnt. Death hovers in indifference corner. Slowly, the light that is your life, the strength within, the will, the hope, the future, humanity.....fades away...No it doesnt come in swiftly... Its a slow dimming....And soon, it engulfs you.. your whole being. Now you cannot see that which matters most to you. Those that matter cannot see you. Its like your heart stops beating, and no breath comes from your nostrils, your blood ceases to flow....You are insignificant
So to those heroes who have fought daily battles, for every victory that we have savoured, we salute you. Woe to the battles of tommorrow, for I have moved out of indifference corner, walked away from apathy lane.. to that place of consciousness.. in me, my heart, my soul, my being...I will not turn back. Rather I choose to travel on this lonely road, the road less travelled. Lest my heart stops beating, and no breath comes from my notrils, and my blood ceases to flow and I find that...... I am insignificant

Living... Being Alive....Feeling Alive

2009-08-03T13:40:00.000-07:00

I have heard people say of their loved ones "he/she makes my life worth living". or friends with kids say "when my child was born, that brought meaning to my life."
Music makes me feel alive. When I do something that brings a smile to someone's face, I feel alive. When I do something for the first time or learn something new, I feel alive. When I make a meaningful contribution to something, it makes me feel alive...
Yet most times I feel like I am merely existing... I am not really living. Or rather, that there is more to the idea of "living" than I am actually experiencing. Most times I awaken to the realise that I have let moments, opportunities, go by unnoticed. That I am just trudging along in a routine sort of existence and that life is crying out to me, calling my name. I hear the cries, the calls, yet I cannot find the source. I keep searching, its nearby, I know, for I have felt its vibrations, seen its effects, yet seemingly far, for I cannot see it. Sometimes its drowned by the voices in my head. Voices that tell me that I'll never find it. Voices telling me that the more I search for it, the more it will elude me.
But I'm not giving up. I'm learning to silence the voices in my head. Replace them with a new hope that says that I can live.. if I choose to. And I do. Voices that say I am alive. Voices that urge me to live now... not when I have a child, or when I have a life- partner, or when I become CEO. Voices that tell me that the time is now
I listen more closely and its the sound of my own voice. Speaking louder than any voice thats spoken in my head. Urging me to go on.
So I choose to listen... and obey. To live. To live in that state of consciousness. Recognising the worth of my life..Seeing possibilities... Being hope, spreading light...Living, loving... again and again.. And as it echoes in my very being.. I come to the realisation that yes, I am alive.. at this very moment.. I am alive... and I feel alive

the doors left opened

2009-07-31T13:49:00.000-07:00

when he walked into my life, i opened the door of my heart just so he could come in.. and he did. in the same manner i walked through the open door of his heart.
when the time came for him to leave, i didnt let him. i assumed that if i somehow walked out of his heart, he would close the door behind me and in the same manner, he would leave mine.. but i was wrong.. yet i lived with my door open. maybe i hoped he would walk back in, yet i never really let him leave..
but i never knew this until i tried opening my heart to other possibilities. only to find that lurking in the shadows, was the memory of him whom i never allowed to leave. i'd simply opened to the door to let him out and left it at that...
so i sought to fix this, for i couldnt live with an overcrowded heart (God forbid). and in fixing this here's what i learnt
1. I am to Guard my heart... with all due diligence
2. Do not leave anything to chance, assumption...keep open those doors that you want open and close those that are meant to be closed. Make sure whatever you are locking in/out is in/out when you do so... lest you find those lurking shadows
so i have finally closed that door which i'd left open...and i'm all the better for it