As good as dead

Life I have found.. is not a matter or breathing in and out.
Its more. People search and search in the hope of finding the more.
But what makes life worth living? What is the whole point of life?
Why are we here? Seems to me.. we are forever in a battle of sorts.
We are born... and we fight for our place in society. We fight to be "somebody".
We fight to achieve things.. to obtain things. We forever fight to maintain them.
Do the people in our lives give it meaning? Do they make it worth living.
So what happens when they are gone.. and life has to go on.
Do the positions we attain, the qualifications,... give our lives meaning?
What happens when the position can't solve your problem? the qualifications don't get you where you want to go?
Do our possessions give our lives meaning? Do they make it worth living? Does the quest for them make the battle worthwhile?
Many are alive.. they breathe in and breathe out. The faculties fully functional.
Yet fewer LIVE!!
so I say... if I don't know what makes my life worth living? What the point of my being is.. then I am as good as dead.

Will you hold my hand?

It crept on me.. without warning.. and gripped me. Silencing me. Immobilising me.
Rendered weak as I am... I stand. Ideas, opportunities stare me in the face.
So much to do, Such heights to soar. Countless hellos.. Whispers of goodbye. ah.. Open doors, chances. Seemingly pursuing me..
Dancing, they dare me. Come closer, grab me, take a chance....they tease me.They call my name. Its a whisper.. Its a shout...A resounding voice. How enticing it all seems.
Now I am on my knees. For that which once gripped me.. I now hold on to. Its weight overwhelming me.. I am overpowered. As I buckle beneath, My arms fail to reach out. To touch the sky. To grab it all.
Yet my eyes are open. Oh how I do see. I count it all..Yes I count. And I keep counting. It all passes me by. I rationalise, I justify. Yes.... Excuse after excuse I utter.Yet I keep holding on to my enemy.

Choosing the bud over the bloom, to walk rather than to fly..Yet its the season to flower.With my unclipped wings, I hold on to fear.. I keep grasping it.
I hear those voices. Arise... let go.. move... come...they say.
I am here, take the step, let me hold your hand I hear.
Should I.. yes.. Can I...???
This monster.. Its taken over me. And I hold on. Hold on to my enemy.

When the pain of holding on becomes greater than the risk of letting go..
Will I arise, let go, move?
Will I take the step?
Will you hold my hand?

The Language of pursuit

I have created this image in my head....a picture, the language of pursuit. I see him come, his presence so strong. Yes... my heart flutters, my spirit soars. He whispers in my ear, the sound of music. In his eyes, in the depths of them.. I see deep desire....only for me. In my minds eyes I see him... I see him move heaven and earth to win me over....give his right arm to see me smile, climb over high walls to steal a second with me.Woo me with his wit, charm and ever so sweet eloquence.

That's how I imagine he should be.

Then I see him.. yet him not... For when he comes, he speaks not the language I long to hear. He takes not the form of my fantasies. He has his own language. So foreign to me.

Am I hearing him? Why does he not speak a language that I understand? What is he saying? This language I cannot decipher!

My eyes open, yet I am blinded. My ears, seemingly hard of hearing.

I hear not.. I see not truly...the done and undone deeds,.. the said and unsaid words.

Yet if I knew his language...If he knew my language......This language of pursuit..
How would it be?

If his language be foreign, and differ from mine... should I learn to hear his, or should he learn to speak mine? This language of pursuit.....

Self- Destruct

Judging from my own behavior, I have become convinced that humans have a self destruct button or mentality somewhere. And that success comes from winning the battle of this seemingly inherent will to self destruct.
How else does one explain the overwhelming urge to do all things that are utterly self-defeating, when faced with the choice of going about things the "normal..read.. "boring way". How does one demystify that often times I expend my energy towards everything else but the one thing that I am meant to be doing?
How does one explain the overwhelming fear of my own success and capabilities? To what do I subscribe my bad choices?
I've walked along my life's journey long enough to know what I should be doing to get what I want most of the time. Preparing for those kairos moments, recognizing and grabbing them when they come my way. I know how hard work and discipline will take me places. Gosh.... I know to have dreams, have a living and acting faith, to keep hope alive... even not to sweat the small stuff.
But why is it that despite all this.. there are those moments... yeah.. those moments.. when doing the right thing is the last thing on my mind.. or I choose not to choose and just default..
Me is convinced its this self destruct mentality that I either created, inherited or whatever else. Its right there somewhere. Fighting my sometimes already weak will and resolve.
I realize that when I do not choose consciousness, I choose to slide into self destruct mode.And the only way out is to BE DELIBERATE
Be deliberate about my thoughts,decisions, choices, actions, responses.
I am forever grateful that everyday.. is another chance!!!
Be Deliberate!!

Destiny was on the mountain-top - Conquering Table Mountain

It was much like our walk along life's journey. We have big dreams. We long to rise to the top; To reach our destiny.Daunting as it may be, many will make the journey up the mountain and go through it all. And when they reach the top, their realize just how far they've come. What a testament it is to human strength. Our capacity to achieve, even what seemed impossible to begin with.

I resolved that I would take it a step at a time. Occasionally gazing upwards, slowly and not for long, lest the task seem more daunting and I convince myself that I could not do it.
My backpack, reminded me of the burdens we carry, the responsibilities we bear in our walk. Sometimes a friend will help you carry it, but if you are to ensure that you have food and water, up the mountain-top, make sure you have your back pack. Don't carry too much though, it slows your progress. This is much like life. Free yourself of unnecessary baggage, burdens that stop you from reaching your destination.

Along the way, there were those who were on the climb down. "Twenty more minutes", most would all say. "You still have a long way to go", others would utter. Solicited and unsolicited, opinions would be heard. Some seeking to encourage, some downright lying. Not all you meet along the path to your destiny will be helpful. Be careful whose counsel you take.

At times, the terrain was smooth, and flat, and easy. I could not help but almost run in these sections. Knowing they would come, gave me something to look forward to. There will be good times, easier times, enjoy them.

Some rocks were larger than others, harder to climb. I needed to hold on to something, sometimes someone. Don't be afraid to seek help, or accept a helping hand in your journey.

Looking behind me, there were others climbing, ahead of me many, at times I was last..but we all made it up the mountain. Our journey in life though we walk together, is individual. There will be those faster, or slower, but if you persevere, you will get there.

Sometimes I felt like it was all too much, and I needed to rest. There were always rocks where I could sit, rest, have a drink of water. Who and what are you rocks? Your resting places? Where do you find refreshing?

The sun shone brightly at the bottom, yet somewhere in between, it became cloudier, wetter, and colder. It made the path slippery. That how our life's journey is. Do you let the weather change stop you from conquering your mountain.

Once I slipped, slid backwards. There will be those moments, when u move backwards. Get up!!! Move forward. Crawl if you must. You are on a mission.

You cannot successfully get to the mountain-top if you're not in the right gear. Some forgot their warm jackets, other realised they needed water proof ones. How well equipped are you for life's journey...the journey to your destiny?

Every-time I turned my head to the left, right, and back, the view was spectacular, the company amazing. Sometimes we would break into song. Celebrate the milestones. Take time to savour the journey. Its as beautiful as reaching the top.

We took amazing pictures. They are a lasting legacy of that journey, that achievement. Inspiring present and future generations. Leave a legacy.

Its your walk, but walk with others. When you get the the mountaintop, celebrate your success and the success of those around you. I cannot confidently say I'd have made it to the top, without the others. But even if I had, it would have been lonely with no one to celebrate with.

This mountain-top journey reminded me that I can make it. So my muscles may sore, but I have learnt this; The journey of life isn't all easy, sometimes its really sore,so sore that when you reach the mountain-top you may still feel the pain. But if you choose to forget the pain, look at how far you've come, and behold the beauty around you ; It is worth it. Because even the pain fades, is forgotten, but the memory remains,the victory lasts and the lesson stands. Because it changes your life.


Be deliberate. Conquer the mountain.

The case of the fig tree

Have you ever come across something that showed promise? That seemed like an answer to prayer. Something that seemed like your breakthrough. And as you took those steps towards it, You realised that it was a farce. It is not what it seemed to be from afar. I heard a preacher share this message the other day.
Its the story of Jesus and the fig tree found in Matthew 21, and Mark 11 where Jesus had made a triumphant entry into Jerusalem, and been to the temple. Seeing how late it was, He returned to Bethany for the night. On the next day however, according to Mark 11 from verse 11 - 22.....

1. Jesus was going about His father's business and He had a need- vs 12 "The next day as they were leaving Bethany, Jesus was hungry"
2. He saw an opportunity and went up to it and He found no fruit - vs 13 "Seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to find out if it had any fruit. When he reached it, he found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs.
3. He cursed it - vs 14 " Then he said to the tree, "May no one ever eat fruit from you again." And his disciples heard him say it"
4. It withered up - vs 20 "In the morning, as they went along, they saw the fig tree withered from the roots. vs 21 Peter remembered and said to Jesus, "Rabbi, look! The fig tree you cursed has withered!"

This meant that no-one else could ever see it and believe/ hope that it had any fruit.

My Challenge for you and I: Curse the in- season yet fruitless Fig tree
Why? So that None of those that come after me (my brothers and sisters, my children, their children) will ever in their hunger, face that same "fig tree" again and find no fruit.
Be deliberate......

My Big Coloured Sunglasses

My Big coloured sun-glasses
Wear them I must, everyday, practically everywhere.
By Day and By night, with consistency
They have become my shield, From the strangers' eye
Beneath them I can turn a blind eye to many an injustice
Yes, Its like I do not see.
For after all, I do have my big, coloured sun-glasses on.
They hide the hatred felt, the racism, the anger.
Yes beneath these, we pass each other seemingly unseeingly.
The windows to my soul they make obscure
So I cannot share. I do not share.
Beneath these the hungry child's pleading eyes cannot meet my gaze
Indeed they separate me from a world I refuse to acknowledge.
The wind that carries my neighbors burdens, bounces against my shield
And I walk away
Much goes on. Unseen. Ignored. Brushed aside
For behind the shield of my big coloured sun-glasses
None can point a finger. None can say I saw. None can say I knew.
I live in my world and you're not a part of it.
No. I need not turn to the other side.
I just keep facing forward. Moving On
I do not see you. Acknowledge You.
I have my big coloured sun-glasses on.