Faith

Faith hurts, It exposes you, makes you vulnerable
It stands and says... I trust and I hope and I will... for the best
Sometimes I am full yet at times I am running low

The substance of things hoped for, evidence of things unseen
It anticipates, that surely surely surely, it will come to pass
That the door will open, the mountain will move
Faith speaks, faith hears,
It sees Beyond present circumstances
It comprehends
Faith is the reason it is, the reason it will be
Yet at times, I am running low

Its as if I'm standing in a room
A room full of people, young and old, male and female
And I am naked, in the centre I stand
They stand with me my fellows,
There is strength and resolve in our numbers, even in our nakedness

All around me, others are rescued
I look up, and they all pass me by
My eyes flicker with hope with each approaching person
I see pity in their eyes, for none bears a banner with my name

Their sympathy drives them to urge me to hold on as they pass me by;
For surely my rescue is near
Yet their cliched words are meaningless to me
For I am still standing right here, Naked and in full view

Panic stricken, my eyes dart back and forth the room
Up and down, I appraise the room
Hoping, wishing, yet fearful
For in this moment.. It seems like anything would do, anything would suffice
Rather than standing here
Naked and In full view of all. All in full view of me

Soon I am all but left alone in the centre of the room
Now I no longer stand, I am weary. Weary from waiting, waiting anxiously
The cold floor offers no solace to my body, no balm to my aching soul
I feel my strength and resolve seeping out of my spirit

As I lie on the hard floor, a little part of me dares to hope, to hold on, not quit
I am fearful to admit this, even to myself, For how can this be?
Is it Faith that's kept me in the room?
Is it Faith that's kept my eyes looking out?
Faith that's lived as a flicker within me
Faith that's refused to die
Faith so small, I almost didn't realise I had

How I desire that I had the faith to keep me standing boldly
The faith to resolutely search for my own name on the passing banners
The faith that eliminates desperation from my eyes as I stand
Vulnerable yes, yet patient even in my nakedness

But I know now, faiths end would be the death of me
Faith is in the assurance
The knowledge, not only that they'll come; Those that are sent for me
Bearing a banner with my name on it
But more so who'll come
For He who comes is surely faithful, and unchanging

I cant help but wonder though
What took them so long
Yes. I still have a lot to learn
An unquestioning faith to gain

Who am I?

I have come to know this;

The road to full disclosure and discovery of who I am, is my life.
Hope refuses to reach a point of contentment; of saying I know who I am fully and there's nothing more, nothing new, no change. That will be the death of me.
Hope longs to know enough of who I am to carry me through each time, moment, season.
For who I am is constant, yet continually changing. For as I am a sculptor of things and processes in my life........people, events, processes, attitudes, perceptions, will mould me, shape me, dent me.. into who I am.
So I embrace life. As a journey. Of perpetual learning. At times rather slow, yet in other moments fast-paced.
Who I am is not only what I do, that's a small facet. Its not only what I say, how I say.... what I see, and how I see.
Its in the how, the when, the why, with whom......Who I am is in the "and then..."
What I knew of me yesterday may not hold true today, let alone tomorrow.
More so what you knew, what you know, what you will know
whom you knew, whom you know, whom you will know.
For some will know in part, some will for a moment assume full knowledge.
Are there ever moments, times, seasons of absolute certainty.. I ask?
For life will confront me, each day faces me with its endless possibilities, calling me forth to be who I am;.... in spite of,.....because of,....... so that..... through it all

I am soul, mind, body, spirit all in one
I am what I think, what I say, what I hear, what I feel
In some moments, I am what you say, not always what you see, whom you see
So who am I?
I am who I am, I am what I am, I am who I am becoming
Past, present and and future, in an intricate dance
Life's dance so fragile yet filled with strength and vigour.
I am me

The neccesity of this "pitstop"

stubborn! stubborn! stubborn! I hear
As resolute I stand
Lets toss her, upside-down shake her
The wind howls in my ears
The cold chills my bones, reaching the marrow
But my spirit faints not
Stronger it goes, more determined I am
For to faint now, what a loss
Oh how far we've come
The climb so steep and the path so narrow
Moving forward, the only option
But at this "pitstop" my partner's camped
And I see the chaos around me
The storm brewing and
My partner's silence baffles me
The voices urge me back to the depths
Calling my name, beckoning
And they reach my ears, I hear
Stubborn, stubborn, stubborn!!! Lets toss her
And my partner keeps silent, watches
I try to move forward
this journey is not for one- I need my partner
Evidently not ready to move along
Questioning the necessity of this "pitstop"
I make this decision
I will not be moved, I will not be shaken
There's no going back, I silence the voices beckoning
And call to order the chaos
My partner I face, bruised by His silence, thankful for His presence
And resolutely I stand, to say that as long as you are here, so am I
Yet I cannot help..but question the necessity of this "pitsop"

I cry buckets.... and He is silent

I cry buckets, enough buckets to fill a river
the tears gush out of me, as if the banks of my broken spirit have burst
the cannot; will not be contained
will my tears quench the thirst of the land upon which I stand
intent it seems to devour me
so I cry buckets

Will my tears turn the parched land into a lush field
Questions questions questions
who can save me, what can my rescue be
for I am aware that I do not stand alone
in the midst of this desert, the wind howling, sun-scorching
He is here

Yet I cry buckets, of tears that will disappear
the desert heat ravages me, its fire consumes me
Yet He sits in silence
I am distraught, for my conscience is aware of His ability
His previous feats are clearly imprinted in my memory
Yet I cry buckets.. enough buckets to fill a river
A river that cannot withstand this desert
A rivers that cannot conquer my circumstances

Do these buckets mean nothing to Him
He sees, I know. He hears I am aware
Now I stand, here I am all spent, tears i shed no more
For many buckets I have filled, and filled up a river
Questions questions questions
He's watched me fill these buckets
I wonder when He'll say... enough

Free to be yours

Set me free
Free me with your love
That I may soar....so I may be

Set me free
Free to love
That I may glide...till the truth I find

Set me free
Free for love
That I may live....live and learn

Imprison me not in your heart
But set me free
For in my freedom
In my soaring, in my gliding, I find myself
And My path leads back to you
Then you will know
that as surely as I am free
Free to be me, I am free....free to be yours

The days of old

How I long for those days.......the days of old
when the truth was spoken and hearts were open
when souls connected, and love was abound
when simplicity ruled, and random acts of kindness were the order of the day
when faith ruled over fear, and peace prevailed over doubt, strife and cynicism
when laughter came easily, more readily and many smiles lit up the world
when i danced in the moonlight, and delighted in the summers rain
when tears of grief were shared, and rest and respite found on my neighbours shoulder
Today, i cry no more yet no laughter rings in my ears
my hearts gone cold, to stone its turned
The fountain of my youth is ebbed, the energy sapped out of me
That which dares me to be strong, has hardened me
Yes, it chokes the feeling out of my soul, my heart
and though my eyes are open, i do not see, My ears are open, yet I can barely hear
From my mouth, no words.
For I am numbed, by this great force
Of expectations, Of experiences,
Of dreams unfulfilled, Of hope lost, Of love unreturned, words unsaid
How I long for those days, the days of old

Song in my heart

There's a song in my heart
And I long to sing it
I open my mouth, and silence streams out
Its as if the world around has stolen my voice, stolen my words
I stand dejected
For this song I long to sing
I've longed to sing for a while

I hear the song in my heart
The ears of my soul are filled with its sound
Such sweet melody, ecstacy
Carrying the essence of my being
My spirit, my soul
I long to sing

Yet fear gripps me
And causes this silence
A silence louder than my song
Yet still, there's a song in my heart
And I long to sing it

I am despondent
Frustrated, aaaahhhhhhh
these words these words
the words of my song
they haunt me in the night
in the day they consume me
its as if the shadows overtake me
oh but i long to sing
the song in my heart

will you hear, do you hear it
for my fear is for my words
the words in my spirit
that will go unheard
yet, i still long to sing
the song in my heart
for you to hear, yes
but more for me
for the song in my heart
is my song

yes, it speaks of me; yet it speaks to me
so i sing
the song in my heart, song of my soul
and the melody soars, high above
transcending my fears, freeing me
for this song in my heart
is a song to sing

The arrows that are shot in our paths

For the longest time I ignored God and made my bible a nice accessory for my bookshelf. And I let God go for ages without hearing my voice. And I wasn't bothered with listening to him either. So I went on from day to day, along the negative progression path. But one day my spirit, my soul couldn't take it anymore. So in a battle of will, emotion, ego and much else, I found my way back to God. And I found a place where I could just be. Coming as I was, I found was easier than I thought. For God's work in me meant to change me, transform me. And it was not my job alone. I had supernatural help. So slowly, I began to feel strengthened. My confidence and trust in him grew with each day. As I spent time in his presence, I yearned for more of him. And he drew me closer, pushed me and pulled me to greater heights. I learnt to cast all my cares on him. I took my burdens and placed them in his hands.

In all this, the world around me still revolved around the sun. The days came and went. People lived. Bills still needed to be paid, work to to be done, plans made, actions taken. And because I have been made a relational being, I encountered other beings everyday. The encounters were of different kinds, at different levels. Each time, I found myself having to deal circumstances, perceptions, attitudes, thoughts, words spoken, voices in my head and i had to make choices. I found that even though God was doing something in me and I knew it, God still didn't make choices for me. I found that in his orchestration of everything, God gave me room to be, to live, to choose. And in this he gave me responsibility. I found that God didn't always remove unpleasant circumstances from my path. But he made a way. Always. Faithfully. God gave me choices, options, conditions and consequences. Something this independent me appreciates. And as I have spent more time getting to know him, I've found that he equips me. He's on my side.. and everyday when I seek him, he armours me, so i can fight the fiery darts of the enemy.... he changes my standpoint, so i can deflect the arrows that are shot in my path.....he strengthens me, gives me courage, charges me up so i walk and run, advancing in battle.. and when the arrows are being shot in my path I know my destiny is victory......Sweet Victory. So I fight this fight of faith,of hope and of love and I choose Him and his way, and therein choose life. And that arrows that are shot in my path...... are rendered powerless

Restlessness

Restlessness that keeps my eyes from closing in the night..
That drives me to distraction
Restlessness that causes fear to rise within me
Yet I vow not to let the fear of the great future ahead paralyse me
I decide to live with the greatness within
I allow the greatness within to live
For surely there is more to life than this
This ordinary mundane sort of existence
Surely I am called to more than this
I fear that I may lose the essence of it in my quest to find it
Yet am painfully aware that to not seek it out would be another tragedy
So I brace myself for what is to come
In every moment of today I envision that I am preparing for tomorrow
Yet I remain conscious of the moment that is now
And celebrate it as I live it
But I let the hope of tomorrow live
And anticipate more
For within me is greatness
Presently manifest in my restlessness
But surely I find rest
In the knowledge that I do not stand alone
No, I do not walk alone
For such a journey many men have taken
Careful not to trample those along the path
Deliberate about taking others along with
For in my greatness, lies yours
So in my every moment of becoming
You become too
As in your every moment of becoming
I too become
So begone fear, anxiety and uncertainty
For I choose to step over your shadows
To step into a greatness
That lies beyond my present restlessness

My dream... your dream

Let not your dreams perish
Rather let them flourish
For in the flowering of the dream, Your dream
The seed of your success may fall on my fertile ground
Put your ear on the ground
Hear the sound of those seeds.....germinating.....
The seeds of your success, the seeds of your dream
So let me dream
Let not my dream perish
For in my flourish
Your dreams may be awakened too

Oh, let not my dream die
Awaken the dream in me
Yes you see it, you see my dream
You feel its pulse, the faint throb of my dying dream
Let out a scream
For my dream should not perish
For within its flourish
Is the success of a nation
Yes, within my dream, Indeed within your dream
Many dreams lie, Many dreams live
So let not my dream die
Long live our people's dreams

Spring cleaning Time

Today I couldn't leave my bed. It wasn't the comfort that made me stay in. It was the burdens that kept me transfixed in that place that is my bed. It was all my fears, experiences and expectations. And the dread filled me....For I had lost all hope.. and reason for living. Lost it somewhere in this great jungle that my life had become. Everything seemed meaningless. Too much clutter in my mind. Much too much clutter in my space. I had to find what my priorities are, reevaluate my principles, check my character. Dig, search and locate them among the many random thoughts, ill-thought out ideas, flashes of inspiration, realities of rejection and failure, memories of victory and success, decisions made consciously and by default. In this jungle of the good, the bad and the ugly.. I sought to find the right, the beautiful, the life-giving. And I knew that all the rest had to go. Yes, a process of refining had to begin, and be completed in as much as it was continual. Much like salvation. So I woke up this morning with a renewed purpose.. to cast of that which is evil, and allow the good flourish. To pull out the weeds that threatened to choke my dreams away, to breathe life, faith and hope once more. Today I awoke with a renewed vigour, for the work that awaits me is plentiful. The pruning, and clearing. Gathering and destroying. Planting , watering and cultivating. The garden of my soul awaits. It is indeed spring cleaning time

In that moment of consciousness

I have found that I am not always right. In my moments of consciousness I have learnt to detect hurt in someones eyes, or see the hidden sorrow in one's heart. In my moments of consciousness I have learnt to say I'm sorry...Please... and Thank you. In my moments of consciousness I have known the joys of giving and receiving. In those moments of consciousness I have known kindheartedness, have known charity ad compassion. In my moments of consciousness I have begun to count my blessings...But most of all... In my moments of consciousness I have learnt to be alive and powered by the word. The word of God that is living and active, the word that sharper than a double-edged sword. ... the word that judges the attitudes and intentions of my heart..... and I have known the emptiness of being without "the word". When I have taken a form of godliness, but denied it power...I have seen the futility of my efforts. For what is my life without that foundation of the word.. what's the purpose if my existence in the absence of the supreme. what is freedom with no direction, no destination, no history? what is life without hope? In my moments of consciousness I have found that it is Christ in me, that is the hope of glory.. I have found that its not the word that needs me to live.. I need to word to live in me.. for it is living and active... already.. but as for me, I am dead on the inside without it. Without it, my laughter's are punctuated with sighs, and the furrowing of my brows.. for there's is that knowledge in me that this moment of laughter is unlikely to last. And when it departs, that empty space will be filled with emptiness. Without it, all my greatest selfless actions, my momentous achievements, my incredible attitudes.... are meaningless, temporary and overall insignificant. Yes I have tried to live without the word, and I almost died. Until by grace, not by coincidence or mere chance, somebody let the word drop onto my dying spirit. and my spirit soaked it up like the parched ground... but that drop touched base with the innermost river in me that was drying up.. and something was ignited. And in that moment of consciousness... in my moment of consciousness I found, that the word was the breath to my soul. its what gave meaning to my life, that which resurrected my dying spirit, the one thing that could build me up, on which I could stand, by which I could live.. for the word didn't need me to live, but i need the word alive in me.....and this I found... in that moment of consciousness

Of memories made

What do we do with the memories we made? Made in times past, recent or not so recent past. with those records of moments past.. times gone by? people long gone? places long left behind? attitudes long ago discarded? behaviours now replaced? characters now reformed? What do we do when these are triggered.
There are some memories to treasure, they bring pleasure. but what of that pressure.. of suppressing the not-so great memories... or not having to acknowledge their existence. For how do u tell today's love of yesterday's love.. the love lost.. without losing today's love..... losing them to the threats of ghosts of days gone by..the music of dances past, the echo of yesterday's laughter...How do you explain the shadows in your eyes, from the memory of pains past inflicted? How do you justify the giggles of private jokes in the memory? How oh how do you live through the adrenal rush of familiar encounters? Yes, times are past.. door have closed.. but memories last.
So I choose consciousness.. even in making memories. for accountability, responsibility is not only in action, indeed it is even in memories. choosing what I do... choosing what i say..choosing where I go... for it is these, that I will remember.. memories are made today...for tomorrow. Make them worth remembering....So...... I'll live like there's tomorrow, yet I take each day like its the last. imagining that if tomorrow wont come, this is the way I want my days remembered by those left behind, and yet imagining that when tomorrow comes, this is surely how I want to remember my yesterdays

Lest my heart stops beating....

How many times have you seen an injustice and simply turned, looked the other way? How many times have you stood up and fought for what you believed in? How many times have you come together with other like-minded people, for a cause... a good cause. Most times we have a free-rider personality... riding on other people's victories. Pretending to be apathetic while savouring the benefits of battles we chose not to fight.
So one may not and cannot fight every battle, stand up for every cause, for one must choose their battles carefully. But what is life along the apathy lane?? It isnt. Death hovers in indifference corner. Slowly, the light that is your life, the strength within, the will, the hope, the future, humanity.....fades away...No it doesnt come in swiftly... Its a slow dimming....And soon, it engulfs you.. your whole being. Now you cannot see that which matters most to you. Those that matter cannot see you. Its like your heart stops beating, and no breath comes from your nostrils, your blood ceases to flow....You are insignificant
So to those heroes who have fought daily battles, for every victory that we have savoured, we salute you. Woe to the battles of tommorrow, for I have moved out of indifference corner, walked away from apathy lane.. to that place of consciousness.. in me, my heart, my soul, my being...I will not turn back. Rather I choose to travel on this lonely road, the road less travelled. Lest my heart stops beating, and no breath comes from my notrils, and my blood ceases to flow and I find that...... I am insignificant

Living... Being Alive....Feeling Alive

I have heard people say of their loved ones "he/she makes my life worth living". or friends with kids say "when my child was born, that brought meaning to my life."
Music makes me feel alive. When I do something that brings a smile to someone's face, I feel alive. When I do something for the first time or learn something new, I feel alive. When I make a meaningful contribution to something, it makes me feel alive...
Yet most times I feel like I am merely existing... I am not really living. Or rather, that there is more to the idea of "living" than I am actually experiencing. Most times I awaken to the realise that I have let moments, opportunities, go by unnoticed. That I am just trudging along in a routine sort of existence and that life is crying out to me, calling my name. I hear the cries, the calls, yet I cannot find the source. I keep searching, its nearby, I know, for I have felt its vibrations, seen its effects, yet seemingly far, for I cannot see it. Sometimes its drowned by the voices in my head. Voices that tell me that I'll never find it. Voices telling me that the more I search for it, the more it will elude me.
But I'm not giving up. I'm learning to silence the voices in my head. Replace them with a new hope that says that I can live.. if I choose to. And I do. Voices that say I am alive. Voices that urge me to live now... not when I have a child, or when I have a life- partner, or when I become CEO. Voices that tell me that the time is now
I listen more closely and its the sound of my own voice. Speaking louder than any voice thats spoken in my head. Urging me to go on.
So I choose to listen... and obey. To live. To live in that state of consciousness. Recognising the worth of my life..Seeing possibilities... Being hope, spreading light...Living, loving... again and again.. And as it echoes in my very being.. I come to the realisation that yes, I am alive.. at this very moment.. I am alive... and I feel alive

the doors left opened

when he walked into my life, i opened the door of my heart just so he could come in.. and he did. in the same manner i walked through the open door of his heart.
when the time came for him to leave, i didnt let him. i assumed that if i somehow walked out of his heart, he would close the door behind me and in the same manner, he would leave mine.. but i was wrong.. yet i lived with my door open. maybe i hoped he would walk back in, yet i never really let him leave..
but i never knew this until i tried opening my heart to other possibilities. only to find that lurking in the shadows, was the memory of him whom i never allowed to leave. i'd simply opened to the door to let him out and left it at that...
so i sought to fix this, for i couldnt live with an overcrowded heart (God forbid). and in fixing this here's what i learnt
1. I am to Guard my heart... with all due diligence
2. Do not leave anything to chance, assumption...keep open those doors that you want open and close those that are meant to be closed. Make sure whatever you are locking in/out is in/out when you do so... lest you find those lurking shadows
so i have finally closed that door which i'd left open...and i'm all the better for it